How to Do Nothing at Work, and Get Away With It

1. Look Busy: Having papers spead all over your desk helps, as do pencils which are widdled down to the eraser. If you have to walk somewhere, keep your head down, and walk quickly (this also works if youre trying to avoid being called over to do work. NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT!). Carrying clipboard with you while moving around also helps.

2. Look Stressed: If you look completely stressed out, co-workers and your boss will be more likely to leave you alone, since you must have other pressing matters on your mind. To look stressed leave your eyes unfocused, move from place to place quickly while quietly talking to yourself, and if someone asks you a question, stare off into the distance for a moment, give a big sigh, and answer them with an irritated tone.

3. Speak Quickly: If they cant figure out what you said, theyll assume you dont have the time to explain it.

4. Hide: Find a good hiding place. A couple good examples are under a desk, in the air vents, or a janitors closet.

5. Break a Limb: Obviously this method only works when you work at a job that requires physical labour or typing. How you break the limb is up to you, though I recommend something spectacular (ie. snowboarding on the Alps).

6. Make Excuses: Theres nothing like having a good list of excuses on hand (Memorized, that is. A list on paper is suspicious). Ones like I would stay late, but I have to babysit my mothers aunts friends sisters goldfish, may work. Of course, ymmv.

7. Never Leave Your Office/Room: If you dont leave your office, you are less likely to be bothered. Remember: out of sight, out of mind. Of course, you will need to ensure that you have an ample supply of rations so that you can survive until its time to head home. Bathroom breaks, Im still working on.

8. What they cant see Rearrange your office so that your computer monitor faces away from any windows or doors that your boss may be able to see through. This will ensure that you have ample time to hit the Boss Key in any game youre playing, or open a Word document to hide the porn youre surfing, should your boss happen to wander into your dungeon..er..office.

9. Fool their eyes: If you cant rearrange your office, perhaps employ a service like WorkFRIENDLY which acts as a proxy to mask any website that you visit. You can mask the sites to look like a Word Document and at a quick glance, they look like any other document. If the boss gets too close, click the Boss Key and WordFriendly will hide the website with pseudo-word document.

10. Choose a profession people dont understand: Im a web developer. Most people dont REALLY understand what you need to do to be a web developer, so I might be doing a blog post, but theyre thinking Im working. Golden!

Comments

[paulmcenany]

Thanks WK! I've really been needing to improve my slacking ability!

[Mike Giepert]

This was listed on Ad Land. Too bad they refer to it as "W+K Seattle's new blog".

[El Payo]

Congratulations on your move to Seattle.

[dabitch]

Hey Mike, we never call adland "ad land" so I guess we're even then huh? ;9

[JohnnyL]

These are great!
Bye.

[Mike Shaffer]

I don’t know. I saw a list eerily similar to this but the author was George Costanza.

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What if I genuinely like helping people but also want to carry a clipboard? I believe there's a wonderful coexistence between a hammock nap on the deck and running around fixing printer settings.

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